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Winter, 2009
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PEACE OF MIND PARENT COACHING WINTER 2010 NEWSLETTER

Dear Parents,

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” These words from poet Edith Sitwell are as true today as they were when she wrote them back in the early 1900’s.

Come winter we spend more time at home with our children. The chilly weather, vacations and cold and flu season all add up to more togetherness, more time to connect, and during the holiday season, more time to ponder what it really is we wish for our children.

Ask most parents what it is they truly wish for their children and they will usually answer, without missing a beat, “happiness.” Happiness, however, is simply a temporary state, a feeling or a sensation which follows a pleasant event. Just like, sadness, anger or delight, happiness is one of many human emotions – not a permanent condition. In reality, a totally happy existence, one which is free of hardships, sorrows or struggles (if such a thing were possible), would deprive our kids of the self-awareness, insight, strength and ultimately peace of mind that comes from working through life’s adversities.

The key, however, is being able to cope with and work through these adversities – something many children are unprepared to do given the alarming increase in childhood depression and health disorders. Striving to make children “happy” does little to equip them for the amount of stress and demands they face in today’s society.

What then is a realistic wish to have for children? How about resilience? Numerous studies of children facing hardship have shown just how essential resilience is for successful growth. Fostering resilience in children ultimately helps them learn to:

So what exactly can parents do to begin cultivating a sense of resiliency in their children?

• Empathize: Just because a parent empathizes with what a child is going through does not necessarily mean they have to agree with or condone the behavior. Everyone wants to feel “listened” to. When kids feel they have been understood, they are better able to handle the outcome regardless of whether or not it falls in their favor. For example, when a child says they “hate” their sibling or they call them an “idiot”, a parent’s will often either discipline the child or to tell them they should not say such a thing. Taking a moment to empathize, to ask what it is they hate about the sibling or to share a moment from their own child-hood sibling conflicts not only can deflect the tension, but can also help the child feel respected and potentially more receptive to the parent’s point of view.
• Learn effective communication and listening techniques: Parents often get stuck in the same old “dance” when communicating with their children. Taking time to learn alternative methods, either through books, articles, support groups, friends or professionals, can ultimately strengthen the parent/child connection. And, well connected kids are more resilient.
• Change unproductive or pessimistic language and behaviors: “When you clean up your room I’ll know you are ready to play a video game” is a lot more productive than “You are so messy.” If a parent’s behavior or point of view is infused with stress, the child’s will be too.
• Love kids in ways that help them feel special and appreciated: Notice what children do and the ways in which they do it. Rather than simply praising their “lovely piano recital” for example, specify what it was that was impressive – which sections were particularly moving or emotive etc… Also, let kids know what makes them special apart from their siblings.
• Recognize kids for who they are and help them set goals which are right for them. It is important for parents, if they hope to foster a strong sense of self and resilience in their child, to be able to put aside their vision of what they think their child should do and to accept their child’s interests as a unique and wonderful part of who they are.
• Help children to experience success by identifying their “areas of competence.” If a child is consistently doing poorly in math for example but can write beautifully, find opportunities for them to share their writing. All children have areas of competence be it in music, art, science, sports, building, the list is endless. The key is to find that area and notice it.
• Help kids learn that mistakes are opportunities from which to learn: Let kids fail at some things. Avoid stepping in and “saving” them all the time. This does more harm than good. Parents can share some of their own “failures” and how they handled them.
• Provide children with opportunities to contribute: Instead of just sending a can of food into the local food drive or sending a check to some charity, find ways in which kids can actually see and meet who they are helping. This helps build compassion, responsibility and a social conscience.
• Teach kids to make decisions and solve problems. Even if a parent does not agree or knows a “better” way, it can really help boost confidence, as long as the situation is safe and appropriate, to allow the child to make their own decisions and to experiment with problem solving techniques.
• Discipline in a way that promotes self-worth and self-discipline. Never demean or judge the child. It is the behavior that may need to be fixed, not the child.

For more information on the significance of resiliency in children, check out the recommended reading list below.

Wishing everyone a bright, cozy holiday with lots of time to connect with, enjoy and cherish your children!

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

“You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.”
Mary Pickford

RECOMMENDED READING:

Raising Resilient Children by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein: I highly recommend this book. Thoroughly outlines, with real life scenarios from the authors’ practice, the fundamental value of resilience. The authors also offer clear, step-by-step tools and suggestions.

“The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. Relevant to this topic as Levine outlines what can happen when kids are not given the opportunity to fail, to struggle or to learn from mistakes. As an adolescent psychologist, Levine is very familiar with kids who are “happy” on the surface but are lacking resiliency and ultimately self-confidence underneath.

Author Pam Leo (“Connection Parenting) has available online a brief, informative and wise article:
http://www.connectionparenting.com/parenting_articles/resilience.html

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey: A practical guide for parents serious about implementing tools to cultivate connection, compassion and resilience among every member of the family.

Parenting without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected by Susan Stiffelman.

You can find links to these and other recommended books on our resources page.

A Coaching Sampler:

As adults we know that some of the most important things we have learned in life have come from our mistakes. How have you or how are you modeling this for your children?